Before we can understand what anything is or how to deal with it, or before we can solve any puzzle, we must know that thing or understand the nature of the puzzle and what is required of it. The child, whom we usually raise out of a sense of human duty and both individual and social rights, is the first thing we need to know before we begin to engage with him and develop him humanly and functionally into the desired type of person in the future. The most important areas we must address and understand before beginning to raise him are the following:
The Child’s Individual Will
The child, with his biological and physical characteristics, personality, ambitions, and ability to plan and persevere, is the primary factor influencing his development and shaping his future. While the family, before the age of three, exerts a direct, almost complete influence on the child’s life and individual desires, by the age of three, the child begins to liberate himself from its authority, declaring his refusal or sometimes disobedience to what he doesn’t want or that aligns with his inclinations and perceptions, or verbally opposing what the family says or commands, providing other evidence that is more in line with his curiosity and desires. But why does a child shift from almost absolute compliance with the family’s requests or questions to a clear rejection of them at this age? The answer, as it seems simple, can be summarized as follows:
1. The child’s brain generally completes its psychophysiological frameworks and structures by this age. This means that the child is now able to communicate with the family and address them sentence by sentence or desire by desire.
2. Language and its expressive verbal abilities become useful to him at this age, as he can use it to communicate with others and achieve his demands, whether positively or negatively. His situation now differs from what it was before the age of two, for example, when he was unable and powerless to express his acceptance or rejection of what was offered or asked about.
3- The company of his peers and the desire to interact with them begin to take up a clear portion of his attention. At this age, he notices that his peers compete with the family’s role in attracting the child’s attention, accompanying them, and playing with them. The child here feels less of a need to cling to his mother to the same degree as before, and that his time with his peers and talking with them is more enjoyable and varied, without the mother, father, or siblings, who are usually busy with their daily work or personal routines.
The Child’s General Health
Normal or good health contributes positively to the development of personality, unlike poor or disabled health, which deprives its owner of many learning opportunities. It also contributes to the formation of a distorted or degraded self-concept, which results in the child feeling like an incapable creature, worthless and without a role to play. Normal health, on the other hand, motivates its owner to initiate activities at times and participate in them at other times. It also instills confidence in him to compete with other children, striving to outdo them without hesitation, shame about his abilities, or a perceived inability. What should be done if the child is physically disabled or weak due to a disability? In this regard, we suggest the following:
1. Do not place the child in situations that are too big for him or beyond his ability to move and participate, as this breeds disappointment and helplessness, kills his desire to try, and discourages him from doing anything. Provide him with appropriate, achievable activities without difficulty exceeding his capabilities, then verbally encourage him.
Be present around him the first few times, so he can grow accustomed to you and be motivated to behave. Once he develops self-confidence and gets used to working and progressing without you, gradually withdraw from his environment in an indirect or unnoticeable manner, encouraging self-reliance and working independently, based on his own decisions and desire, in what we call self-behavioral discipline, as we will explain later.
2. Reassure him of his physical weakness without exaggerating, leaving him to live in a state of illusion. Try to convince him of the reality of his situation, while providing constructive opportunities for him to adapt to life and the environment around him and to grow according to his health potential. Encourage him to take the initiative in proposing behavioral, social, and personal alternatives that are consistent with his health characteristics.
3- Improve his health, if possible, through nutritious nutrition or appropriate medical treatment. Don’t make the child hostage to a weakness that can be cured. Sometimes, children with weak eyesight, hearing, or health are observed without any action or attention from the family. When we point this out, we hear a passive, indifferent response, such as, “This is my son, and I know him better!”
This is your son, yes! But at the same time, he is a child of society and the capital of its future. You also don’t know his condition better if it continues as it is. Therefore, certain other figures in society must act quickly to prevent his condition from worsening, because, as we always emphasize, the child is a national treasure, in addition to being the property, extension, and hope of the family.
Child’s Gender
Gender influences a child’s choice of appropriate behavior, whether boy or girl, or the family’s choice of behavior. This choice ultimately leads to the adoption and development of masculine or feminine behavioral characteristics that are consistent with the child’s nature and foreseeable social future. There is, of course, no harm in instilling the characteristics and behaviors of one gender in a child’s personality, but we emphasize the following to families:
1. Avoid programming a child with absolute masculine or feminine behavioral characteristics simply because they are a boy or girl. The era in which we live requires individuals to emerge from their relatively masculine or feminine shell to interact, speak, work, and assume responsibilities and public positions in politics, administration, society, health, education, economics, and other fields.
Don’t instill in your child feminine domestic habits and skills, or absolute submission to men if the child is a girl. Don’t accustom them to tyranny, oppression, arbitrariness, violence, or not doing anything around the house “because it’s a woman’s job.”
Don’t walk in front of your wife, and oppose her suggestions and opinions, whether right or wrong. Other traditional male or female behaviors and practices practiced in the past have changed.
Times have changed, and with them the absolute roles of both women and men. This role may not have changed completely, but it has changed sufficiently to require some adjustments in the methods and content of dealing with and raising children.
Teach your child, regardless of gender, to contribute to shared family responsibilities, to help and empathize with others, and to listen and understand what others say, regardless of their gender.
Teach them to respect others, to be fair, tolerant, and to avoid blind (gender) discrimination between people and individuals. Teach them to help their mother or sisters with their household responsibilities if they are sick or if time is taken away from their family duties.
2- In return, teach the girl the strength and soundness of her judgment, the ability to formulate sound decisions, and constructively participate in diverse social responsibilities—economic, educational, and humanitarian—both public and private. Accustom her to constructive independence, practicality in her appearance, and confidence in her behavior and interactions with others, both men and women.
Why then is there blind fanaticism? And why the deviation from the proper upbringing practiced by our righteous predecessors and adopted by the latest contemporary psychological and educational practices? It is true that it is our duty to help the child choose the routines and behaviors of his gender, but without imposing them. In doing so, we should focus on developing the human type in him, regardless of his masculinity or femininity—the compassionate, righteous, friendly, hardworking person who benefits himself and his community, regardless of the form of this community: a family, a job, or an entire society.
The Source of Behavioral Discipline in Children
Children, in general, fall into two categories, depending on the source of their behavioral discipline: a child with internal self-discipline, who directs their behavior by their own will and direct personal decisions; and another with external self-discipline, who relies on the surrounding environment to guide their behavior, make their decisions, and fulfill their duties and responsibilities.
What we emphasize here is that the first type of child is more productive in personality than the second, and more capable and proactive in planning and executing family and social tasks. A child with internal self-discipline works on their own, without the need for the presence, motivation, or fear of others.
A child with external self-discipline, on the other hand, generally does not move unless prompted by others. They may be inclined toward deception, evasion, lying, acting, or servility to get what they want or to avoid the danger of others, or to evade a required task, effort, or duty, as is sometimes observed.
The important question that comes to mind here is: How many of us have self-discipline—that is, independently, and fulfill our responsibilities in our families, work, offices, schools, or factories without the need for outside supervision? I believe the answer to this is well-known and accessible to everyone.
However, it remains to be emphasized that our individual, familial, and social progress at the local level, our recovery from our cultural slump, and our subsequent resurgence in global leadership, all depend on our behavioral transformation from acting on the authority of others and fearing them to acting with others through logical, self-directed behavior, respecting others, and understanding their different positions. Naturally, this cannot be achieved without raising children to this extent, and instilling in them a spirit of initiative, discipline, and the ability to make decisions on their own from an early age.
Here, we advise families to develop habits of internal discipline in their children by doing the following:
1. If the child seems stubborn and opinionated, do not punish him or eliminate this stubbornness within him. Share with him his feelings, impressions, and reasons for his stubbornness. Then, guide him if you find his behavior unreasonable, or motivate and encourage him to continue if justified.
2- From the first year, give your child appropriate responsibilities to carry out, even if this means delivering a short verbal message to his mother, calling his father, or inviting a sibling to perform a specific family behavior. In short, accustom him to shouldering responsibility alone.
Examples of responsibilities that can be assigned to a child in a family environment, starting from the first year onwards, include the following (these examples are illustrative and not exhaustive):
* Turning on or off the light in the room or at home.
* Turning on or off the television or radio.
* Giving or delivering an appropriate item from a sibling, peer, or parent.
* Drinking water alone.
* Going to the bathroom alone.
* Putting on shoes and other belongings alone.
* Bathing and maintaining personal hygiene.
* Making the bed.
* Always putting clothes and personal items in their proper place.
* Preparing the school bag.
* Reading and doing homework without help or reminders.
* Maintaining quiet and classroom order, with or without supervision.
* Choosing family or classroom chores and then taking responsibility for their implementation.
* Cleaning the bathroom or kitchen, or specific parts thereof.
* Washing dishes and household items after meals.
* Arranging and setting the table, or some of its utensils or responsibilities.
* Clearing the table and putting everything in its place.
* Opening the door for visitors.
* Taking on specific responsibilities or appropriate roles during a trip or visit.
* Purchasing specific materials or items from the market.
* Taking on specific appropriate responsibilities for household or family chores, whether social, commercial, agricultural, animal, or other.
3. Assign responsibility to the child and then let them carry it out. Make them feel confident and free of supervision. Always hold them accountable for the results while sharing how they work and achieve their goals. Ask them to understand how they worked or achieved what they wanted, to ensure that these methods are correct or not morally deviant. Always encourage them with appropriate words or titles, without any material reward.
4. Befriend and befriend the child, and teach them to respect you without fear. Encourage them to turn to you and consult you when they make a mistake, encounter difficult situations, or experience psychological or cognitive confusion. Emphasize the importance of kindness and logic in dealing with them, and of making them feel useful and not threatened when they approach you or confide in you about what they have and what is going on inside them.
5. Accustom them to making choices and decisions for themselves. Do not impose things or actions on them that they do not like. During this time, teach them to bear the consequences of their behavior each time.
6. Refrain from helping the child or answering their questions if they are within their capabilities. Encourage your child to think more, try, and experiment, without thinking or working on it, no matter how passionate you are. Hold back your emotions in such situations to provide more effective opportunities for developing their future personality in general and developing the habit of self-discipline.
Children’s Intelligence Level
Every child possesses general intelligence and then specific intelligence at two specific levels. General intelligence covers a variety of behavioral abilities, while specific intelligence is specific to a particular subject, study, or skill. It’s worth noting here that high intelligence positively contributes to the development of a child’s individual personality to its desired specifications. Low intelligence, on the other hand, hinders or slows them down. But is it possible to develop a child’s human intelligence to the benefit of their personality? This is reasonably possible through organized cognitive nourishment and diverse experiences appropriate to their needs and ongoing scientific curiosity.