Children of different ages during childhood and adolescence (adolescence) until the age of sixteen years in most cases or the age of (18) eighteen years sometimes, which is called adulthood, tend to chaos and disorganization in their behavior or their possessions and bedrooms, or neglect and vandalism in their use, or in using the possessions and things of the family and siblings on other occasions.
The family tries to guide the children in all possible normal verbal ways, and is patient with them and gives them the space to think and review themselves, but in some situations the matter seems to be in vain.. The children, as is sometimes observed, seem insistent and persistent in their behavior and neglect, and in not giving a listening ear to the desires or directions of the family.. Thus, the family begins to struggle to change the negative behavioral patterns of the children in several ways, the first of which is resorting to verbal threats and intimidation, as we explain in this topic, and ending with deprivation of daily benefits or/and severe physical punishment in some cases.
But verbal threats and intimidation do not work with children as they continue their mischief and behavioral transgressions that sometimes do not end throughout the day and night, especially when children get used to this method from the family and notice the family’s lack of seriousness and follow-up on what it says or requests during the threats directed at them.
The final result: the family’s suffering and feeling of helplessness, then the continuation of the children’s behavioral problems, and solving their daily behavioral problems by resorting to threats.. and the children’s feeling as a result of this smallness, weakness and fear, or the desire to rebel and revolt against the family and take revenge on it.. In other words, the final result of this wrong family treatment is to treat the children’s behavioral errors with the errors of threats from the family.. as a general educational rule: it is absolutely not right, humanely, educationally and logically, to treat an error with another error! How then can the family overcome the problem of this conflicting internal situation? With the following procedural guidelines:
Family guidance for dealing with children and overcoming their problems without threats
The family can replace threats or reduce the severity of their psychological impact on children by adopting the following peaceful alternatives:
1- Involving children in choosing other behavioral alternatives other than simply stopping the unwanted behavior they are doing.
If their loud talking, noise, and screaming are actually annoying while the family is watching an important satellite program, or during a visit from an acquaintance or relative to the family, the family can, if they wish them to stop talking loudly, provide other alternatives for the children such as: Your voice seems loud, so we cannot concentrate and understand what is happening in the program.. So how do you think we can overcome this problem and provide the necessary calm?
One of the children may choose to go to his room, another may choose to go to his study desk to review a topic or solve a specific assignment, a third may choose to sit with the family listening to what is happening.. and a fourth may want to sit next to the mother or father to watch and listen together.
2- Follow up on the instructions or orders that the family wants the children to do, without being satisfied with threats and leaving the matter open for them to implement them. If the family asks the children to do their homework well as required, then it is expected that during the children’s performance, they will go to their offices or rooms and see their accomplishments and check the quality and degree of their performance.. and share their opinion, sympathize with them and reinforce what they do for the better.
3- Avoid exaggeration, extremism and revenge in the family’s instructions and requests. The family should not, in order to overcome the children’s problems, threaten them by asking them to do impossible tasks or tasks that they cannot do, considering their abilities and desires or the circumstances of time and place available to them.. or use it at other times to anger and take revenge on the children for their unsatisfactory behavior. I emphasize to the family within the framework of the well-known proverb: If you, father or mother, want to be obeyed, ask for what is possible, useful and constructive.
4- Changing or reversing threats. If the family finds that its repeated instructions and requests from the children are useless.. and do not reach a result, then it is not embarrassing for them in front of the children to change or reverse their previous orders with others that may be more effective.. as the matter of changing or reversing the instructions to the children is less of a loss for the family and the children than continuing with requests that they do not listen to.
5- Informing the children in a clear and completely understandable language what is expected of them in terms of responsibilities and desirable behaviors while doing work, visiting or family tasks inside or outside the home. If the family goes out shopping, or on a trip to an area or tourist resort or to visit another family, or to perform work related to the family, the family is expected to sit for a few minutes with the children before starting, to provide them with completely clear instructions about what is expected of them, and to make sure that each individual has understood what is required.. while linking their possible violations to depriving them of the benefits decided during the trip, visit or work.
6- The family should maintain calm and not get excited when guiding and controlling their children. The family should avoid anger, rage, excitement and screaming when threatening their children, and feel balanced, psychologically stable, self-confident and serious about what they are asking them to do in terms of behavioral changes for the better, all of which give the children a message that the family is determined to implement and follow what it tells them, without maneuvering away from the family’s sight, and returning again to their normal behavior or/and desires.
7- The family should reinforce the children’s implementation and compliance with its instructions. The family’s follow-up and counting of the children’s behaviors that are consistent with the instructions, then rewarding them with what suits their desires, are all important procedural principles for transforming threats, which are often negative in their impressions and psychological effects on children, into educational instructions aimed at building their self-respect and respect for the environment.
8- Changing the instructions according to the circumstances of the situation in which the children are. If the family finds that the children are interested in performing their responsibilities or the instructions required of them and are clearly achieving in that, but they still seem exhausted and tired.. then there is no harm in giving them a break or recreational time to spend together (family and children) in an activity or session within the family, or taking them outside the family to a restaurant, park, mall, zoo or games, where they renew their vitality, souls, desire and follow up on their duties until the end..
The family is always expected to take into account when dealing with the children that: there is no shame or embarrassment in modifying or changing some of its instructions to the children, if it notices the circumstances of the person, place, time and the required behavioral results, which require that and in the interest of the children.. because the person in the children is the goal of the family and the most precious thing it always owns.